In Which Our Heroine Courageously Interviews Two Possibly Insane Movie Reviewers for Your Entertainment.
T-Bowe and Dogg are the creators of The T-Bowe and Dogg Chronicles, a movie review blog that will have you laughing your ass off in under five minutes. If you still are in possession of a backside, or haven’t lost at least a little of it by the end of one of their reviews, then you probably should never listen to me again. Actually, if you DO lose your derrière because of their hilarity, you also should probably never listen to me again.
Really? “Don’t listen to me” is probably the best advice I could ever give you.
By day T-Bowe is a brilliant I.T. Guy. And Dogg is……
Well, Dogg is Dogg. Trust me, this will make sense to you later.
Also? These guys are just as funny in real life as they are here, if not more. I’m blessed to have them in my life as they always brighten my day. And if that doesn’t work, they’ll usually tie me down and make me watch really god awful movies in the name of “education”. Bastards.
I kinda love them.
Is Dogg single?
T-Bowe: Dogg is…
Dogg: Dogg’ll answer that. You see beautiful, and Dogg can call you beautiful, right? Of course Dogg can. You see beautiful, Dogg is very single…Are you single?
Ahah, sneaky Dogg is sneaky, but we’re totally not here to talk about me. What are you guys’ favorite movies? Individually?
Dogg: Shark Attack 3, Alien Express. You know, comedies like those… SY FY is Dogg’s favorite channel.
Dogg, you have issues. But we forgive you. Now, pick one of those movies and tell me why they are your favorite. Why do they work for you?
Dogg: Well, Alien Express works for Dogg because it has the best acting ever. The Special effects are one of a kind. Dogg thinks the movie was robbed.
T-Bowe: Yeah-of a Razzie
It didn’t get a Razzie? You’re both BSing me right?
T-Bowe: It’s a direct to video movie, those aren’t nominated.
Dogg: Dogg thinks they should be, that movie is a classic. The only one better is Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. Now there’s Academy award winning stuff in Dogg’s opinion…
I still say SA:3 (Shark Attack 3) is the best worst movie ever. Then again I haven’t seen Alien Express. Been dodging that bullet. *eyes them both warily* And what about you, T? Same question.
T-Bowe: Aliens. It was ahead of its time. James Cameron pulled off a masterpiece, he took a classic horror film and turned it into a rollercoaster ride. It holds up nicely to this very day, even if the effects are now considered old…
Still kick-ass though. Ripley is still one of the most iconic movie heroines of all time. Now- worst movie ever?
T-Bowe: Alien Express, hands down.
Dogg: Batman and Robin
Wow. Ok, I don’t completely disagree but… Why?
Dogg: If you’re going to put nipples on a suit, at least put them on Batgirl’s. Batman and Robin wasn’t even a direct to video movie. Dogg thinks this was almost the death of Batman, but Dogg’s boy Nolan came through in the end. Keaton is still the best actor to play Batman though.
T-bowe: He has a point, Alien Express was not a big budget Hollywood production.
Damn. Dogg actually making logical sense? Is the Apocalypse nearing? So when are you guys gonna get off your @$$es and write another review? Hello? Loyal fan waiting. I kind of miss you….I mean that in the non-stalker kind of way. But it totally kind of came out like I have stalker-ish tendencies. I’m not a stalker guys, I just play one sometimes on my blog.
Dogg: It’s been a while since Dogg had a stalker. Call Dogg: 555-8080.
T-Bowe: I’ve just been kind of busy. I started a new job that has taken me away from watching movies, so that’s one thing. Also I have to catch up to idiot to let him interject. And I’m about to go on Vacation. We plan to resume once I’ve had a chance to recharge.
Vacation? Nice. Also, if anyone calls that number, will they enter an alternate dimension?
Dogg: Well that depends on if you consider Dogg another dimension?
T-Bowe: You dial that number and you’ll lower your I.Q. to single digits. Don’t do it…
Would you guys ever consider any other sort of review work? Or I dunno…Sports Casting? I would totally watch that. Or Maybe …SITCOM!….like Rorschach and Deadpool?
Dogg: Dogg is all about expanding his talents. Sports casting for sure… Sitcoms? Not so much. (SPOILER ALERT!) Rorshach and Deadpool both died in their respective movies so Dogg thinks their sitcom never had a chance.
T-Bowe: I agree with him on that. Sports casting would probably be a good fit. As for review work, I never really thought about it..
Yeah, I guess book reviews wouldn’t be a good fit for your work schedule either…Can you even read Dogg?
Dogg: Off course Dogg can read. Hustler, Playboy, Penthouse. Dogg even takes the time to read the articles.
What do you guys do for fun when you’re not berating or praising directors and their creations?
Dogg: Dogg lives through his boy, he supports Dogg…
T-Bowe: I work in the I.T. field, so for me its mostly work. Like I said, been very busy recently.
Ok, what WOULD you do for fun if you had time?
T-Bowe: I’m a rollercoaster sort of guy, give me a good amusement park to go to. I also like to take pictures.
Dogg: Dogg’s more of a Ps3 kind of guy, give Dogg GTA or Grand Turismo. Remember, Dogg’s single. 555-8080…
Ah huh. And T, I know you’re an F1 and Football sort of guy as well. Who are your teams? And does Dogg get into sports much?
T-Bowe: For sure, Ferrari and the 49ers. Jerry Rice is the greatest to ever lace them up, and Ferrari is just the greatest F1 team ever.
Dogg: Dogg likes football. Dogg’s a Raider’s fan, so Dogg’s been disappointed since birth until Jerry Rice became a Raider. Then? Well…
T-Bowe: Man, why you have to bring that up? You don’t think you cause me enough pain and suffering as it is? Why don’t you get a job?
Dogg: You hiring yet?
Ah hell no. I let a Raider’s fan on my blog? What the hell was I thinking…
Dogg: You’re thinking 555-
My dad would flay me alive, kill me dead, and resurrect me just to kill me again if I dated a Raider’s fan
Dogg: Listen, what dad don’t know won’t hurt him. So we’ll make sure he doesn’t find out 555-8080
T-Bowe: Come on, man. Keep this professional.
I’m getting propositioned by man who refers to himself in the third person…and that third person is “Dogg”…and who insists on changing his name every article. My life everybody, welcome to it. What are your favorite words? I have to ask, it’s kind of a sickness
T-Bowe: Favorite words? That’s a new one. Ferrari and “Hello I.T.”
Dogg: Dogg’s favorite word is 555-Dogg’s just messing around, Dogg’s favorite word has to be Dogg.
Nice. What are your most highly anticipated movies of the year? Not including anything that has already been released? (This questions was asked before the movies below were released.)
Dogg: Yeah, G rated. Anyway there seem to be more maybe’s this year then definitely’s.
Any you two see flopping? Horribly? And why…?
Dogg: Resident Evil 4 for one… and why does everyone have to do things in 3D now that Cameron did it? Leave it alone…
There’s gonna be another Resident Evil??? UGH, why God why?… No comment T-bowe?
T-Bowe: Flopping horribly…? Well, that’s the problem. It is possible that Predators and Salt can both flop
Really? I do not see Salt flopping, why do you think it might?
T-Bowe: Audiences have been very fickle about these kinds of movies. Sometimes they just get tired of the same basic principle. “Don’t call her Salt, call her Bourne”. The same thing can be said about the last Bond movie. Quantum of Solace…
Point taken. So what are definite DVD purchases of the year so far?
T-Bowe: The Losers., It was a box office flop but I sorta enjoyed it.
Dogg: Mega Piranha. That movie has it all.
And what exactly is ‘it all’ Dogg?
Dogg: It has action, lots and lots of comedy, it has girls in bikinis. And best of all, it’ll never happen.
Back? Good. Do either of you think women can direct? Keep in mind I know where you live.
T-Bowe: Women can direct. Question is when are they ever given the opportunity for the right kind of movie? Kathryn Bigelow seems to have opened up the action genre for women. The question is what makes a good director? Is there anything wrong with women directing romantic comedies? I say do what you’re good at.
Dogg: You know where Dogg lives and you’re not here yet? 555-8080
What do I look like, a call girl?
Dogg: Don’t you turn 21 this year?
Just answer the original question.
Dogg: Dogg doesn’t really care. But how do they look?
Dogg: But seriously, Dogg doesn’t care who directed it, Dogg just wants to watch the movie. Mary could come back and direct a movie about virgins and Dogg would watch it.
T-Bowe: Better hope it’s not sci-fi.
In this day and age? Only could be.
Dogg: Dogg could become an actor.
Uh-huh and would these virgins remain virgins?
Then I don’t think it would get the Lord’s Babymama’s approval.
T-Bowe: We’re all going to hell…but you first for thinking it.
Dogg: The Power of Christ compels you, woman.
I just got exorcised by a Raider’s fan. Awesome. Shouldn’t there be a law against this?
T-Bowe: You mean there isn’t one?
T-bowe. I noticed you didn’t mention you do a little writing on the side. You didn’t really think I’d let you get away without talking about it did you? I am your biggest fan after all, and my blog IS supposed to be about writing. Dogg, you might as well grab a beer or something since I know you don’t take much interest in things that aren’t all about Dogg. What sort of things do you write about T?
T-Bowe: usually anything that comes to mind. Sometimes they become stories, sometimes they don’t. It’s mostly finding the time. The first one was written on a dare, and some people actually liked it.
People including but not limited to me.
Dogg: if Dogg used proper grammar, Dogg would write too. But Dogg just watches movies.
Didn’t I tell you to a get a beer?
Dogg: You said ‘a’ beer. Dogg moves sorta quick. Did you want one?
Dogg: Cause you know if Dogg gets drunk, remember- 555-
Yeah, yeah. So T, you still haven’t answered my question.
T-Bowe: Oh…I guess I’m action-oriented. More militaristic. Special forces and the like.
Was writing just a budding interest?
T-Bowe: Like I said, my first attempt was done on a dare. I don’t consider myself an aspiring writer, or even a writer per say since I wonder if I’m actually any good at it.
But you said some people liked it. And I’m kind of a reviewer, and I liked it.
T-bowe: yeah. Some did but I just don’t see it finding a wide audience.
I totally disagree but I understand that your style is a bit different. Explain it to my people.
T-Bowe: It is a bit different. I kind of cheat. I never know whether I want to write my stories as books or as screenplays so I go half and half.
Dogg: Dogg is not a fan of cheating, Dogg believes in fair play
And flirting shamelessly.
So, if you were me, what question would you want to ask you? Did you notice I’m running out of questions? Of course you didn’t. Because I’m subtle.
T-Bowe: If you could sit and talk to anyone in history who would it be?
Who would it be?
T-Bowe: Well I don’t know how much English he’d speak…Adolph Hitler.
I’m guessing you’d want him restrained?
T-Bowe: Probably. Me not being a member of the Superior Race and all.
Dogg: Dogg would only be asking himself one question…
Dogg: Why is Dogg friends with T-Bowe?
*adopts psychologist tone* And why are you friends with T-bowe, Dogg?
Dogg: Dogg has asked himself that for years.
…And you haven’t come up with an answer by now?
Dogg: He makes the money. Dogg spends it. He buys all the stuff that Dogg uses…one of these days he might even decide to kick Dogg out….Naaa, Dogg’s too much fun.
T-Bowe: Not that fun.
I’m starting to think that you meant ‘why is T-bowe friends with Dogg’?
Dogg: Please. Dogg is like that brother Bowe never wanted. The chicken pox that never went away. The cockroach that you can’t kill. Batteries that aren’t included.
Blondes or Ravenettes?
T-Bowe: You can only choose one genius.
That wasn’t an option.
T-Bowe: But you’ll let him get away with ‘yes’??
T-Bowe: Where is the fairness in this interview?
There is none. It’s my blog. I make the rules. When you want to make the rules, make your own blog. Oh wait, You HAVE a blog. You just haven’t updated it in forever.
Dogg: Well, if Bowe updated it now all it would say is “Hello, IT.”
I also heard you have your own personal bodyguard. That’s kinda awesome. Does she have a license to kill? I heard she was a she. Wouldn’t that make her more of an assassin? Maybe you should promote her to “Personal Intellectual BadAss Ninja” I’m not sure if that’s an actual title, but it sounds sweeeeet, and like it pays a lot. Does it pay a lot?
Dogg: Dogg personally likes to think of her as “the Suicidal Kamikaze Ninja With a Bomb”,
Bowe: Isn’t that an oxymoron…? And redundant?
T-Bowe: Yes. We have a female bodyguard. She’s free.
No benfits? Nothing?
T-Bowe: No Benefits. Nothing
That sounds like it sucks. How do you know she’s loyal and won’t end up killing you in your sleep?
Dogg: When girls see Dogg in Dogg’s bed…sleeping is not what’s on their mind.
Dogg: Dogg didn’t say all of that,,,
And you T?
T-Bowe: I have no idea why she wouldn’t kill me in my sleep.
I’d sleep with one eye open if I were you.
Dogg: Bowe has four. That shouldn’t be a problem.
I know you don’t classify yourselves as writers but if you did and you both decided to write an autobiography. Individually. What would the titles be. T, I suspect yours would be “I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you.” But that’s not very subtle, so maybe not. And isn’t killing people what you have an assassin for?? I mean isn’t that her job description. I kinda forgot my initial question.
Dogg: What the-…
Bowe: I think there was a question in there.
If you were writing an autobiography-
Dogg: Dogg’s world.
How did I know…T?
Bowe: I don’t think I’d ever want to write an autobiography.
Because if you told me you’d have to kill me?! Please don’t send the Suicidal Kamikaze Ninja with a Bomb.
Bowe: I don’t think I deserve an autobiography, Those are for people who have done something with their lives. Presidents…World Leaders…Doctors… Nobel Prize Winners.
That one chick from that one show who never amounted to anything?
Dogg: You mean Paris Hilton?
T-Bowe: Oh god…
What’s your favorite movie score? If you HAD to pick one.
T-Bowe: Batman Begins
Dogg: Black Hawk Down, or Tears of the sun
I said ‘ONE’ Dogg
Dogg: Well they sorta similar so they should count as one
FINE… all Hanz Zimmer. Awesome. Ok. What about just one instrumental? I thought for sure one of you would have said the one by Two Steps from Hell on the latest Star Trek trailer?
T-Bowe: Oh. You mean ‘Down with the Enterprise’? That doesn’t really count. Because if you listen closely, you’ll hear its got parts from Dune. In fact, most of their stuff is taken from other pieces. But they are really good.
I did not know that.
Dogg: Dogg is always willing to educate the slightly-blonde of you. 555-8080
I just realized neither of you answered the actual question. Sneaky. But I’m on to you. Pick one instrumental.
T-Bowe: Batman Begins End Credits
Damn. That’s deep Dogg
Dogg: Dogg is capable of insurmountable depth. You should call Dogg to discuss it further. 555-8080
Ever thought about writing your own scripts and directing? I mean, you do write hybrids on the side and you are interested in photography…If I had your mad dialogue skeelz, I’d totally go for it.
T-Bowe: You don’t want Dogg directing no movie….probably just be naked girls on a beach,
Dogg: Correction, FINE naked girls on a beach. Dogg is always looking for women with talent.
T-Bowe: I don’t fancy myself as a director. It’s not as easy as it looks and even if I was interested, I just don’t have the time.
I understand. Thanks so much for letting me interview you both. But seriously? You need to get back to writing reviews when you come back from Vacation.
Dogg: Yeah cause if Bowe don’t come back, Dogg’s going solo.
And nobody wants that.
Dogg: What do you mean? Everyone would love if Dogg went solo.
Ah-no. And if any one of my readers (all four of you) decides to give Dogg a call? Do let us know if you enter an alternate dimension. I’m not sure HOW you would let me know but I think it’d be worth it. You know? For Science.
And should you be insatiable for more of the epic duo that is T-Bowe and Dogg, or are a fan of movies and snark and snarking on movies, do visit The T-Bowe and Dogg Chronicles and let them know I sent you. I don’t get paid or anything, but it’s nice to be mentioned. Because I’m slightly vain, I guess. Also? If you’re interested in seeing T-Bowe’s mad photographic skills, I might be able to convince him to put up a few. Because I have what’s known as “pull”.