Making Changes

Since I’ve been back home, I’ve been trying to work on myself as a person.

There were a few unpleasant things that happened while I was in the UK trying to be a Goddamn War Machine. Things that made me realize that there are times that I…don’t deal with as well as I should. It’s been a slow process, but I honestly feel a lot more positive than I used to be.

None of this clicked, however, until the lady I had been staying with for my last few months handed me a present on the day she was to drop me to the coach station.

I was touched. Until she handed it to me and insisted that I not be upset.

“Now, I don’t want you to open it and think ,’Why that cheeky cow!’ But several of my friends have sworn by it and well, when they spoke about it, I immediately thought of you.”

I smiled, thanked her for her kindness- as I was thankful, but also wary.

I could tell it was a book, and by her apprehension, it must have been a self-help book. I’m not entirely against self-help books but some…well, no, it couldn’t be that bad could it? That’s what I told myself.

Until I opened it and was immediately and totally blinded by yellow.

“You Can Heal Your Life,” The book screamed at me.

To which I replied, “Fuck, what sort of impression did I leave her?”

Because that’s how my mind works. She obviously bought this atrocious book with a kind heart. She’d taken care of me like I was one of her own for two months-how could she have done it with anything but good intentions? Being upset with or thinking she was ‘a cow’, just didn’t make sense to me.

But that didn’t stop me from being disappointed in myself for making her think I was that …fragile. Yes, I cried several times in her presence. From home sickness on occasion and once about an incident that hurt me deeply (but that I am not at liberty to go into the details of, sorry) But surely she didn’t think I was in need of… “Healing”?

I sighed and told myself that I’d read it on the coach to London. After all, no opportunity to improve myself should be wasted.

So read it I did ….and  in doing so decided that I’m not the author’s target audience. Her ideas are sort of…”out there”.   I consider myself an open minded person and I know that I am quite the irrational creature at times, but I also have the desire for things to make sense.

For the most part, this book didn’t. Not to me anyway.

And yet…there were positive things that I took away from it.  Things that I’m implementing and that are already making a positive change in my life. Even though the book as a whole didn’t work for me, it has since started a journey to look for ones that do. (So far, “The Artist Way” is the only one that really speaks to me. even though it, too, can be viewed as “out there”. See the Irrationality?) So I am happy that I took the time to read it.

One of the things I took away from the book was that I really need to eliminate clutter from my life. I’ve never been and doubt I ever will be a particularly neat person. But the messier my surroundings get, the more helpless and depressed I feel. So I’m taking an active role in ridding my life of clutter. This actually isn’t going to be hard because we are on the verge of moving yet again.

I swear my family has gypsy blood.

But I’m not just talking about physical “clutter”, I’m also talking about Spiritual, Emotional and Mental clutter that has been dragging me down as well. Old beliefs that don’t work but that I’ve been holding on to grudgingly for years. Old feelings that don’t serve me any good, etc.

For right now, I’m getting rid of stuff on my hard drive and on my favorite’s list that I know I’m never going to get around to while making the things I actually do plan to get around to more of a priority. All the recipes I found are going to be put in a folder, all the writing advice in another, etc. I’m also going to catch up on the MASSIVE list of e-books I have saved and haven’t had a chance to touch during low traffic on the review blog. (Feel free to proposition me. Yep, I put out for books….reviews that is)

For instance, I cracked open The Way of the Cheetah by Lynn Viehl and am hoping to implement a lot of the exercises in with the exercises I’m already doing with The Artist Way. I love Lynn’s practical nature so I’m really hoping that her exercises help me to be more productive. She suggests only trying out one or two at a time and seeing if they work before moving on, so, tomorrow, I’m planning on trying her “Silence is Golden” technique before I start my morning pages and again before I take out my plot books. I really really want to get some semblance of a COMPLETED PLOT before Kait’s writing challenge starts up on Jan 4th. If things don’t go well, I’m also going to try the “Time Out” exercise.

Wish me luck?

Tomorrow I’m going to write out my goals to be done by the end of December, and then my goals for the New Year.

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